Who Am I Now? How Becoming a Mom While Living Abroad Reshaped My Identity

Becoming a mom is one of those things you think you understand… until it happens. And then suddenly you’re standing in your kitchen, wearing the same pajamas for the third day in a row, wondering why you don’t recognize yourself anymore.

And when you’re doing all of this abroad—without family nearby, without the cultural cues you grew up with, and often in a language that isn’t yours—it hits differently.

In a recent Expecting Expats episode, CJ and I talked about identity shifts in motherhood, and it brought up so much for me.

The Identity Shift I Didn’t See Coming

When I became a mom for the first time, something I NEVER thought I would do, btw, I honestly thought my baby would just… fit into my life. Like a cute little accessory I’d bring along while everything else stayed the same.

Yeah. No.

This realization sent me through a real period of grief—not because I didn’t love my baby, but because I didn’t understand how much of my old life I’d have to let go of. I kept telling myself what I “should” be doing: bouncing back, meeting friends, getting dressed properly, being social, being productive. I was deep in the “bounce‑back culture” mindset, and it left almost no room for the actual evolution that motherhood requires.

Losing Freedom Overnight

A huge part of my identity before kids was freedom. I’ve always been someone who travels, explores, follows curiosity. How do you think we ended up in Germany? ;) And then suddenly I couldn’t even go out for coffee without planning around naps, feeding, and logistics.

That loss of freedom hit me hard. Real hard.

But here’s the thing I didn’t know then... freedom does come back. It just looks different. It has a new flavor. And you eventually learn how to work with it instead of fighting it.

Baby # 2: Same Story, Different Version of Me

My boys are four years apart, which meant I had a long stretch of “normal life” between babies. We had our evenings back. We had our rhythm. We had sold the stroller.

And then we jumped back into the newborn phase.

But this time, I was a different person. I had already shifted careers, launched Mindful Mama, and learned so much about maternal mental health. I understood hormones, identity shifts, and the emotional rollercoaster of early motherhood. I had tools and compassion for myself that I didn’t have the first time.

The second round was still intense—but it wasn’t confusing. I knew the hard parts would pass. I knew the identity shift wasn’t a disappearance this time, but an evolution.

Finding Myself Again, Slowly

One of the biggest ways I started reconnecting with myself was through meditation. I’ve had a meditation practice since college, but after each baby, it took nearly two years before I could return to it. I was too tired, too overstimulated, too depleted.

With my second, my husband became really intentional about protecting that time for me. He took over mornings so I could meditate for 10–15 minutes—door closed, kids pounding outside, and all. That tiny pocket of quiet helped me rebuild the internal space I needed to feel like myself again.

Identity doesn’t return all at once. It comes back in small, meaningful pieces.

Motherhood Abroad Adds Another Layer

When parenting isn't hard enough, parenting abroad adds its own complexity. You’re navigating:

• a new language

• unfamiliar systems

• cultural expectations

• distance from family

• the pressure to integrate...all while keeping a human alive!

I see this all the time in my pregnancy support groups. Identity shifts are normal—but they’re even more layered when you’re doing it across cultures.

You’re not just becoming a parent. You’re becoming a parent in a whole new world.

You’re Not Losing Yourself — You’re Becoming Someone New

If I could go back and hug my early‑motherhood self, I would. I’d tell her:

You’re not disappearing. You’re changing. And that’s allowed.

And I would tell her to rest! You don't need to prove yourself to anyone. You just made a human. Take a nap!

Motherhood doesn’t erase who you were—it expands who you are. And when you give yourself grace, time, and space, you start to see that this new version of you is strong, capable, layered, and deeply rooted in love.